പ്രതീക്ഷ

ഇല്ല,  ആരുടേയും ഒന്നും വന്നിട്ടില്ല. 

Seeking

Rain, loneliness, pain... Oh, such all consuming pain..
Who am I ? What am I? Why am I?
Am seeking answers in the reflections from around me. When there is no surface to reflect, its like being pulled in to the most dense entity known to man. I am lost, I cant find myself, I am on the verge of being lost forever; not to be found by anyone because my being is not lit from within..
Am surrounded by people who look at me and see nothing, They look through me. They don't know I exist. Not even in the space-time warp.
Oh how long...is the wait... to be discovered, to be born, to be real, to live, to feel, to see myself reflected from a perfect mirror without distortions?

ശിവാലിംഗനം

ശിവ ക്ഷേത്രങ്ങളിലെ ഓംകാര നാദ പൂരിതമായ വാതിലിലേക്ക് കടക്കുമ്പോൾ സർവ്വ  ശക്തിയും  എടുത്തവൻ എന്നെ  വാരി പുണരുന്നു. എന്റെ ഇന്നലെകളും  നാളെകളും ഇല്ലാതാക്കുന്നു. എന്റെ ശരീരത്തിന്റെയും മനസ്സിന്റെയും ആത്മാവിന്റെയും പൂർണ്ണ അധികാരം ഏറ്റെടുക്കുന്നു. ആ അവകാശമല്ലാതെ  മറ്റൊന്നും സത്യമല്ല. മറ്റൊന്നിനും  സാദ്ധ്യത ഇല്ല. ആ പൂർണ്ണതയിൽ, ആ നിമിഷത്തിൽ എന്റെ ജീവൻ നിന്നെ അറിയുന്നു. ആ അറിവിൽ  മറ്റെല്ലാം അപ്രസക്തം.

Femininity

What is femininity? Should a human born with female physiology have only feminine attributes? But isn't feminine attributes socially defined and hence personal and subjective? Can one's identity be really defined on physiology? Why do I like perceived masculine activities like gym, weight lifting, wearing men's style shoes, watches, perfume etc? Is it a practiced attitude to minimize gender discrimination? I believe so... my contribution for what its worth... I realize, its also a kind of attitude to display invulnerability.
But can it go against the grain or create conflict in my intended birth and its fulfillment? Don't think so.
Femininity is there definitely.. but not generally available. Only feminine to the strongly masculine. And not only physiologically. Its masculinity in attitude; receptive to feminine softness without exploitation; trustworthy in vulnerability; accepting of one's true form without prejudices giving freedom to be the true self... without masks and facades..
How many real, masculine men are out there to discover and enjoy the delicious femininity in a masculine female ? Strong enough to see through and look beyond the camouflage to connect?

Spiritual Sex

ഒരു മെയിൽ പ്രോസ്ടിടുടിനെ  അന്വേഷിക്കുന്ന സമയമായിരുന്നു ... സാഹചര്യമായിരുന്നു ...

ഒന്ന് രണ്ടു പേരോട് challenge പോലെ അവതരിപ്പിച്ചു ... no local solution -))
So then the gears started turning to deliver.
കടലുകൾ താണ്ടി വർഷങ്ങൾക്കു  ശേഷം വന്നിരിക്കുന്നു...വരണ്ട എന്ന് നിര്ബന്ധിച്ചിട്ടും വന്നു കാണാൻ ... നന്നായി .
(The first possible private moment of contact is so delicious....)
ഞാൻ ഏതു തലത്തിലാണ് അവനെ receive ചെയ്തത് ...body, mind or soul?
There was nothing for the body.
The mind was always standing apart critically, not really participating, judging each action. The actual reception was at a much deeper level...that "ലൈറ്റ് ഇല്ലാതെ പറ്റില്ലെടീ ", that there was a constant and continuous flow of talk,  being comfortable in ones' skin, maturity of an adult, private and personal interaction, the honesty of such connection to another human without facades ...made it  spiritual sex. 

യാത്ര

വീണ്ടും ഒരു യാത്ര... എനിൽ നിന്ന് അകലേക്ക്... ഓരോ യാത്രയും വേർപാടാണ്,  വേദനയാണ്, വിരഹമാണ്, മരണമാണ്. 

Reshma

Saw her on a train journey. She was traveling with her mom. The mom looked strange and a bit crazy for no reason. They did not have reservation in the AC coach. So were traveling standing near the toilet hoping to get a seat allotted enroute.  Fed up sitting, I walked to the door. What struck me was the weirdness of mom, possibly due  to the strange color combination of her clothes? Conversation ensued. Reshma was standing next to her. I knew something was wrong with her. But whenever I turned my face to look at her, she sensed my intention, turned her face towards me, connected with my eyes and smiled....a brilliant, million dollar smile...A smile that I couldn't break away from. Like an animal caught in bright headlights, I couldn't see anything other than the bright light of her smile.
Eventually she sat a row behind me. A beautiful, smart, fashionable teenager...And her mom sat few rows in the front.
At destination as train was pulling in, they were standing at the door ready to alight, ahead of me. Reshma jumped down from the train on both legs and limped away...with her mom.

Reconnect...

Yeah, I have been away... away from myself mostly. Hence the break. It took time... to recall the procedure to  reconnect. But, happy to. Now.